Aku Kosong

Today was the day I had a major breakdown. Refused to do anything. Just spent my entire daylight in my room, on my bed with a head on the pillow. Can you imagine, the whole day I was either sleeping or refuse to use my heart neither head. Dah terasa macam tengah puasa pulak. Tak makan satu benda pun. Just minum air kosong yg memang selalu ada kt my side table.

Actually I'm thinking of doing lots of things to distract myself. Tapi tak tau la. Tak cukup kuat kot. So I end up stuck in the room feeling so empty. Bilik ni bersepah sebenarnya sebab daripada balik hari tu kemas sikit-sikit je. But I don't know. It still feel empty. Hmmmmm. . ."The hardest thing about moving on is not wanting to".

Hear My Heart will you

While writing this post I was actually on my bed, in my comforter, holding my bb and looking so damn miserable. Since start cuti hari tu my life been so empty. Serious tak tau nak buat ape. And living in this house. . . Making me feel as if I'm all alone in this world. Serious shit I am!

Mama seems to not talking to me unless there are other people in this house. I guess she's still piss off with 'it'. Alahai. . . Nak buat macam mane lagi ni. Its my heart. Its my life. Its me who have the decision. Its me who will end up forever alone. And she's my mom. All she ever wanted is for me to end up with a great person.

P/s: kill me pls

I Don't Wanna FACE It

Today the result for one of the subject I took is out. I know its going to be damn sucks. But deep down I really really really hope it will be fine. Unfortunately it does not. And I still remember that night where a drama took place. Dalam banyak2 masa time tu la drama nak jadik. Malam before exam supposedly semua orang be prepared for the last minute preparation while me? Instead of focus kt study, I was busy handling my personal life.

Ya Allah..tuhan je yg tahu how I felt that night. Being bombarded by mama regarding 'that' thingy. I called mama sbb nak mintak restu supaya dapat doakan me the best for exam and in a split of second, semangat nak jawab exam tu hancus!! I was crying like hell calling sis and him. Try to figure out what the hell had actually happened. And end up being sleepy dlm exam hall sebab tak cukup tidur the night before.

So. . . Back to the topic, the result is out. And guess what? I got to sit for the same paper in the next semester. Naissss!! Who should I THANK to? Hmmm. I don't mind repeating the subject. Walaupun ni first time dalam hidup kena repeat but I don't mind sincerely. What I DO mind is when I have to face 'that' FACE again. For the rest of the semester. And it is SUCKS. Dear lil brainy and heart. . . Be strong will you? Hmmm.

If only. . .

My life never been this complicated ever! If I tell you the truth nothing but the truth, you gonna feel like vomiting out due to how extremely devastating complicated my life is! I'm not lying. Cause lil brainy and dear heart are suffocating inside my body! *sigh*

If only I know what is the right thing to do. If only I have the answers to all my questions. If only. . . I can have all the things I wanted and be satisfied with it. Unfortunately, 'if' is not helping me. my life is tearing apart right now. Must. Do. Something. FAST!!!!!!

"Dear tomorrow,
I'm not hoping for sunshine.
The rain would be just fine.
As it washes away yesterday.
And let the pain running through the drain"

Holes Inside

When all that you’ve tried, leaves nothing but holes inside,
It seems like you’re wired, to stay here held in time,
Cause nothing seems to change, oh no.
No nothing’s gonna change, at all.
I can see it in your face, the hope has gone away.

If you hold tight, shadows will be lost in the light.
Oh cause sometimes, fate and your dreams will collide.
So don’t walk away from me,
Don’t walk away from me,
Don’t walk away from me.

Your feet are stuck, no they cannot move,
Don’t tell me that they’re glued,
Sure they’re far from
At home, at ease but give sometime to breathe

Cause nothing seems to change, oh no.
No nothing’s gonna change, at all.
I can see it in your face, the hope has gone away.

But if we hold tight, shadows will be lost in the light.
Oh cause sometimes, fate and your dreams will collide.
So don’t walk away from me,
Don’t walk away from me,
Don’t walk away from me.

Oh, cause everything will be okay
I know that it’s so easy to say,
But the pain inside will fade,
Please tell me that you’ll stay.

If we hold tight, shadows will be lost in the light.
Cause sometimes, fate and your dreams will collide.
When all that you´ve tried leaves nothing but holes inside..

Holes inside - Joe Brooks

Brain vs Heart

Its been awhile since I had a messy brain like now. Been avoiding it about a week now. Tapi hari ini otak ku tewas dengan hati. Andai boleh padam terus segala yg terkandung kt hati ini. Senang cerita!

Why can't our heart function like our gadgets? Everytime the memory is full or if there's virus, we can just simply format it. And start it all fresh, new, empty and without any worries. It was said that the heart is the toughest organ but why does it easily breaks?

Ombak Rindu Ku

The only movie that I was really fanatic with is the Ombak Rindu. Serious tak tipu. Sebab I went to watch it twice kt wayang. Selama ni nak tengok cerita Melayu pun susah kot. Ni siap pergi tengok twice! Wow. Dan kedua-dua kalinya I was agak syahdu ketika menonton. Uhuks.

Maka sebab itu tatkala I got the RM200 voucher, I went straight away to the MPH and bought that novel. Agak slowpoke la sebab semua orang dah lama dah kot baca novel Ombak Rindu (kata gila novel konon) tapi me just started to read it. But better late than never right. Betul la cakap semua orang. The novel is so much better than the movie. But then again, of cause it is. The movie is just 2 hours so how is it possible to include all the 563 pages in that movie right?

I haven't finish reading it yet. Once I finish it, I'll make a review on it. Promise! Promise! Promise!

Bahagiakah Cinta?

I used to believe in fairy tales. And have faith in the happily ever after. Since I was a child, mama selalu belikan fairy tales books dan videotape cerita2 fairy tales macam Cinderella, Snow White, The Swan Princess, Beauty and The Beast etc. And I always thought that love is such a beautiful thing. And then I started my secondary school. Masa tu rasanya semua budak perempuan gila dengan novel. Pergi sekolah tapi baca novel. Buku lain memang tak pandang la. And the worst part is I even cried dalam kelas time form 1 sebab feeling habis baca novel. Apakah? Sangat kanak2! But walaupun gila dengan novel, I never really believe in it. Contohnye cinta tiga segi, cinta tak berbalas, atau ada orang sanggup derita sebab cinta. All was in my mind is that love is so divine like in the fairy tales. Mustahil je sebab cinta ada orang derita. But then...here I am. Experiencing all the so-not-gonna-happen-love. So betul la jugak novel ni kan. Cinta itu bahagia. Namun untuk kecapi kebahagiaan, derita harus ditempuhi. Dan andai pun duri ranjau telah ku tempuhi, belum tentu lagi cinta sejati bakal ku miliki.

Don't look back

Hey there. Rasa dah macam setahun tak update my blog. Bukak blog je that day everything macam membosankan. I should change my layout and everything. Since its a year of 2012 then i should change all the 'boring' stuffs i keep. Picture pun lama punya. Tapi no matter how much i try to change, its still me. Same old feeling, same old issues and bla bla bla. So why should i change? 

Errrr. . . . have no idea. But sometimes we need something new in life. Have to move forward and let those unnecessary things left behind. Life is too short right. Jadi kenapa harus kita habiskan seluruh hidup ini dengan bersedih, berduka lara, bermuram durja dan segala yang sewaktu dengannya? Many more things to be explored out there. Can you see it? Open up your eyes . . . and also your heart and have faith. And then only you can see it. Trust me.

 

p/s: we are so not talking about the layout right? haha.

Running to IT

I thought i have figured it all out

but i guess

i have thought it wrong

somewhere in between

i got stuck 

and then . . . lost

and could not find a way to get out.

Now is the time to gather the strength

focus on the final destination

keep a strong heart

and be certain

on what i really desire

and most importantly

on what i really need

cause i need it.

I'm running towards my destination

hope to reach there as soon as i can

run as fast as i can

will you run with me?